8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
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The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.