“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
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Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Ironic
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
want me to check your oil?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?