Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
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I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
How dramatic are you?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
A completely valid reaction tbh