*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
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Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Who.
Did.
This?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
“i miss shittin on people”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.