Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
You Might Also Like
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
What kind of a cult is this?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
me when the borders lift
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap