I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”