Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
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My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.