At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
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No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
2022 be like
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
oh good, now I can stop drinking
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.