I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
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me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?