Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
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Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.