I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.