“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
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Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know