Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
12. I think about this all the damn time
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt