This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
This kid is going places
Spring cleaning checklist…
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Tastes like chicken.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.