Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
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A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I’m having an out of money experience.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.