I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
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Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Matt Goss
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.