I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
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Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My neck, my back, my…
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.