Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
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[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.