[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
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what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
President The Rock Obama
that’s really how it is
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
#Caturday
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard