Na mad people full this app… πππ
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INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
not sure why we donβt use this thing more often
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasnβt waving at me
so now Iβm gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets donβt count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Victorian photographers like βOkay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where itβs unclear whoβs actually aliveβ
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: βfrom the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.β He was a gentle and caring man, but he didnβt know a goddamned thing about tacos
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
If I fall of this roof cause Iβm tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Baby letβs play doctor. Iβll go first. You owe me $3200.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently βwax the poleβ means different things to different people.