I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
You Might Also Like
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”