I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Not all heroes wear capes….
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code