a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
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Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context