Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
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Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Bit chilly again tonight.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.