Twitter is the new flypaper.
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[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.