How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
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[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Stick it to the man
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that