A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
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i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart