you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.