That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.