I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
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Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
very niche meme I made
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now