It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
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I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.