My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
reminder
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.