4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
anyone else like Italian cereal
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I’ll be mad as hell!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.