My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
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Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Happy Star Wars day!
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.