“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
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[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine