No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
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People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.