Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
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Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU