Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
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Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing