I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
#NeverForget
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?