I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
You Might Also Like
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Morning.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Good morning
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”