Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
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wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
This guy gets it.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.