me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
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me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
never deleting this app.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.