I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.