You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom