Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
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Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
plant them where lol
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.