Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
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Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know