To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
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If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*