Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
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I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING