Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
You Might Also Like
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.