my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
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An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
me, too, girl. me, too.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself